dirtyemorat blogging at elowel.org
shite 11-04-05 23:26
man, this sucks. my girlfriend is schizophrenic, and so she hallucinates and has delusions and thinks that things happen when they don't. It's kind of fun, but sometimes it really fucks up my day. Like today, she had to go to California because her brother had a stroke...only she didn't. because her brother's fine, and she was just hallucinating. It's kind of funny, I guess. Most of the time I just shrug it off. It's not like she's trying to lie to me, so I can't feel too upset. But then sometimes she thinks that we're fighting and we're not. Things will go fine and then she'll ask me why I said something that I never said, and the next thing I know her friends are telling me I'm an asshole. Ah, life is fun. lol. I can't complain. I asked for it, in a sense. I told her I didn't care if she's schizophrenic. Beneath that, she's such an amazing person, but man. Sometimes that's hard to see.

sneak out.
no more o' that shit 10-18-05 20:25
wow. many moons since last I've posted. EVERYTHING has changed I swear, man, nothing is the same anymore. Almost everything is looking up for me, EXCEPT! I got dumped the day I moved into my new house. after 8 months. I know, blah blah blah. Jeff always get dumped. well, yeah. but this time, I'm not being as whiney about it. Publically. I'm whining nonstop to her. But, yes. So I haven't even finished unpacking. I still have a giant box of shit that I didn't really need sitting in the closet. So, yes. this is all true.

I moved to North Portland to be closer to work. OH! yes, I got a new job. I'm now a cook at New Seasons. I'm making $9 an hour plus benefits and I start seeing a shrink in January. Not as a condition of the job, but because...well, whatever. I got some anger issues, you could say. I'm not starting bar fights or anything, but I broke three Xbox controllers. that game fucking SUCKED though. Seriously, Amped snowboarding, lick asshole.

Hmm, so whereas for 8 months I've been homeless or close to it, in a relationship that was actually healthy until all of a sudden a couple weeks ago, and unemployed or only temporarily employed, I now have a job and money and a house and I am single. So, fuckin SWITCH. oh, and i used to have a ton of friends, and now I have two roommates that are never here at the same time as me.

Oh. I was published recently. And paid for it. In a magazine. my article is, as of today, 10.18.05, still on the front page. www.versomagazine.org. bottom right, i believe. so, that was fun.

hmm...what else... um, for the first time in ever my mom didn't even send me a card or call me for my birthday. fuckin bitch. not really. she's all busy with my brother's OCD. He's losing it, man.

Hmm...this blog always reminds me of Jenny. I have been a complete loser when it comes to that girl. Jenny, you're awesome. I mean, not in a "I'm hitting on you again" kind of way, but in a "you were completely right about me and i took you for granted" kind of way. I'm actually still a bag of shit, and you probably still wouldn't like me, but I'm working on it.

I didn't realize how fucked up a person I was. Yikes. I did a lot of things the past few years just trying to do everything so that I wouldn't have a midlife crisis and become a loser at 50. But, since buddha is sneaky, I was a loser the last few years. and I didn't even really notice. Blah.

I think I'm going to adopt a guinea pig from OHS. It would be the first pet I'd ever had that was all mine. Eventually I'll get a dog, but that won't be for awhile.

My roommate is vegan. He works for americorps. he rides his bike to work every day. and the other day he comes home and tells me he's been clubbing salmon all day. hitting salmon with a baseball bat. don't eat meat, meat is murder! but killing fish with a bat is preservation! fuck. admit that you long for a juicy salmon steak and that you hate fish anyway because they shit in your swimming hole, asshole.

words to pay attention to:






Anyway, I'm going to participate in the watching of a movie I rented now. Adieu.
deleted 10-18-05 20:30
what a douchey post this used to be.
fuck 02-17-05 23:36
ah, fuck it. It was worth a shot. I know, I know. Drop it, blah blah blah. That's what I'm doing. This is me dropping it. shit. Ok, it's dropped. For now. Well, actually, probably for a long ass time. I dunno. I did this in case you had anything to say. Any last blame to cast or insults to sling. Anything really. To see if there was going to be anymore, I guess. Well, apparently there's not. So long, kefira. Catch you on the flipside. (heh, I still had that note up until my house was broken into in October.) Hey, at least I didn't use any names. Now no one will ever have to find out that you actually used to like me. so long and goodnight.
the end of it all 02-16-05 15:12

Y'know, I've been doing better. I've been trying to fix things, or at least to better them. Was it really that bad? Was I really that horrible of a person? I mean, I didn't do anything so terrible as to merit this. I put forth a valiant effort and all I get in return is that? not even a direct response. third person. I SEARCHED, dammit! I was looking so hard.

Why was it necessary to disappear like that? Or was it? I've been forgetting, you, is all. And you were amazing. I remember you were amazing, but I can't remember why anymore, and you know how much I hate to let things fade. If you disappear, this feeling disappears, and if that happens, has it ever truly existed? Wouldn't it be fair to say that the only things that truly exist are those things which never waver; which remain constant and true?

By my own standards, I never loved you, but not to be mean, because I've never loved. But I've been happy. And it was during that time that it was most obvious to me how happy I could still be. Yea, and sure, you let me down later on hard, as a result of my own stupidity, admittedly, but I think that it's the contrast between the time right before I met you and the time right after you left that makes that happiness seem so amazing. It's such an extreme juxtaposition.

Jen, I'm not pathetic. I'm not obsessed. I'm just being introspective and trying to understand the reasons that I've developed into the person that I am today. You provided contradiction, and I thought maybe you could help. I've been trying to organize my life into places and events that I can tie with emotions so I can better understand my reactions in certain situations.

I mean, I understand that you want me to leave you alone, and that's why I won't post a comment in your journal and I won't come to your school and try to find you. You've made it clear that you don't want to be found. I really just want to know why. I want to know if there's any way to convince you that I really am... I don't even know what the word is. I want to know you again. And not in the childish way that I knew you before. Aren't I a part of your past, as well? Don't you stand to gain something from understanding the reasoning and ideology put into effect that led us to our current stance?

I'm offering a peace treaty. I am not as blank and easily read as you might believe I am. I am a complex being, and I want to feel simple again. You make things seem so easy when I think that they're complicated. You have an acute sense of black and white. I remember when you left me. It was never a question. It was just "You fucked up, leave." And that was that. I admire that because I could never do that.

I miss you is all. I miss you a lot. And it fucks with me that I miss you still. It bothers me to no end that such a short relationship can still evoke emotion in me. But it does. It makes me dislike myself. Do I really deserve this? I hope not. But I don't know. I feel like you're the one who is still administering this punishment by not allowing me a conversation. I feel oppressed. Not to play the victim, I do feel like I deserve this, but for how long?

It was sex that made me crazy, and in the end destroyed me. Sex is God.
at my funeral? 02-13-05 06:45
no one here even knows me. what am I doing here? This is a cool domain, but all the people I knew on kmorg seem to have disappeared. shit. I'm maintaining four blogs at the moment. So, you know I have no life. On top of that, I'm a writing major, and otherwise full time student at PSU, which makes it a little hard to say I'm killing free time by writing as much as I do. I could be doing homework. I should, actually, and yet I'm not. Go Figure.
random shit 02-12-05 00:59
Stolen from Kira! (Floofie)

LAYER ONE: On The Outside

- Name: Jeff
- Nickname: Squee, Yellow, Jeffro Bo-dean (I will kill over that)

- Birth date: Sept. 9th, 1985
- Birthplace: Red Bluff, CA
- Current Location: Portland, OR!
- Eye Color: Blue. Bright Blue, unless I'm in a funky mood, and then grayish
- Hair Color: Naturally dark brown, currently: black/blue.
- Height: 5'10''
- Righty or Lefty: Righty, but I broke my wrist a couple months ago, so I'm somewhat ambidextrous. still, righty.

LAYER TWO: On The Inside

- Your heritage: German, Ukranian, Irish. Possibly Italian? Seriously, who knows what the fuck my mom is.
- Who you look like: I hate you, question. kutcher, Ian McKaye back in the day.
- My weakness: drama. being honest here. lol. and CHEESE!
- Your fears: Well, heights, failure, loss, death, sea monsters, forests at night...I bet you could scare me. put it that way.
- Goal you'd like to achieve: Expose a huge manipulative corporation publicly and recieve movie rights and royalties and never have to work again.

LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

- Your most overused phrase on messenger? dot dot dot
- Your best physical feature: my eyes.
- Your bedtime: between 2 am and 7 am.
- Your most missed memory: Taking Back Sunday/ Saves The Day concert. I really thought things were going to get better after that. Wish I'd been sober.


- Pepsi or Coke: Dr. Pepper.
- McDonald's or Burger King: Subway.
- Single or group dates: "dates" implies money. fuck you for assuming.
- Adidas or Nike: Reebok, or Puma, or Kite
- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate.
- Cappuccino or coffee: Iced Venti Quad Soy Mocha with Caramel and Whipped Cream.


- Smoke: 2 yesterday, none today, hopefully none tomorrow
- Cuss: Fuck.
- Sing: Yeah. I'm fuckin' famous. Makin millions.
- Have a crush: More than I ever have in my life. It's amazing.
- Think you've been in love: Until now, I was certain. Now I think puppy love was about it.
- Like high school: high school? I remember that day!
- Want to get married: Yes, but I'm torn between soon and in a long time. 1 year away at least.
- Believe in yourself: okay.
- Get motion sickness: on boats and while reading in fast moving cars.
- Think you're attractive: do flies like shit?
- Think you're a health freak: Yea, I exercise 24/7. Work those glutes.
- Get along with your parents: ...my dad, yes. my mom is hard to talk to because she's usually drunk. I think.
- Like thunderstorms: yea. I like playing on steel buildings wearing a tinfoil hat and an antenna during thunderstorms.
- Play an instrument: Does the pussy count? Oh! Damn! No he didn't! (guitar, harmonica, some piano, and the bass)

LAYER SIX: In the past month...

- Drank alcohol: Only the glass of wine per night thing.
- Smoked: Alas.
- Done a drug: Only pot, but if I'd been able to find shrooms, believe me, it would've been on!
- Gone to the mall: Went there today to pick up a ring and some new glasses.
- Cried: hmm... OH YEAH! When taurra said "I never wanted it to be like this."
- Kissed someone you didn't want to: Kristie.
- Been on stage: open mic night every sunday.
- Gone skating: on boards? because if so, yes. and I scraped my knee, but it was worth it.
- Gone skinny dipping: Good idea!
- Dyed your hair: Yea. Fuck brown.
- Stolen anything: A bottle of wine and a budweiser, but shh!


- Played a game that required removal of clothing: like fucking? is that a game?
- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: No, I did not throw parties every sunday for which I was too beligerantly drunk to so much as greet the guests let alone keep them in order. Why?
- Gotten beaten up: Those were the days. I still hate those guys, and wanna beat them up. That was unfair.
- Shoplifted: Never.

LAYER EIGHT: Getting Older

- Age you hope to be married: 21. otherwise I'll contract HIV from some whore at the bar and never live to see 22.
- Numbers and Names of Children: 1, 2 would be an accident. I like Danika, Adrik, Cambria, Aili Edana, Langston, Jackson
- Describe your dream wedding: k. um, there's cheesecake. and lots of people. and I'm both the groom and wedding singer, and...someone gives me a house.
- How do you want to die: Halucenogenic POISON!
- What do you want to be in the future: A revolutionary
- Where would you most like to visit: Japan and Australia.

LAYER NINE: In a partner

- Best eye color: green.
- Hair color: Purple and blondish.
- Short or long hair: short. boy hair cut.
- Weight: jeez, alisha, what are you, 110? that. roughly kira size.
- Best articles of clothing: green anything. beanie with two little fuzzballs on top of it.

LAYER TEN: In The Numbers...

- Number of people I could trust with my life: 3
- Number of CDs that I own: ownership is so trivial a concept...
- Number of piercings: if you give me body jewelry, I'll put it to use.
- Number of tattoos: two. virgo sign and "hope"
- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Maybe three or four. It was all school bullshit. honor rolls, etc.
- Number of things in my past that I regret: I refuse to think about it. more than one. let's leave it at that.
Jackson Eightfingers 02-08-05 14:49
oh boy. Jackson and the dokture are still out there. It scares me that I've considered the possibility that they are actually just a personality that I am unaware of. Maybe I've been having these conversations with myself. Maybe I'm schizo... It's kind of like Fight Club. It's so odd that Jackson decided to give up at the same point that I had mended my lifestyle. And he's here. He's out here somewhere. Reading this right now.

Are you my shadow? Because you follow me throughout. Before you were a ghost. But now, yes, you are a shadow.

I have a feeling you've given me sufficient hints to locate you, but I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to put two and two together. And the fact that you are two really throws me off. Just as you have defined a chapter in my life in anonymity, perhaps my discovery of your identity will mark the beginning or end of another. That being said, I offer only one other statement on the subject.

Thanks. That was a much needed middle finger that you gave me.
smex 02-07-05 22:52
Let's talk about smex, baby! Let's talk about you and me!
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